


Mad

by GemNika



Series: 30 Drabbles [6]
Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friendship/Love, Heartbreak, Love Triangles, Past Relationship(s), Unrequited Love, letting go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-27
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-08-08 11:14:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16428323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GemNika/pseuds/GemNika
Summary: Lucy's done with love. She kept this secret from her best friend, but when she finally tells him just what happened, can she really stay mad? And why did her heart have to get broken in the first place?





	Mad

 

Here's the thing about love: anyone who falls head-first into it is batshit fucking crazy. And they're fucking idiots. They're stuck clawing their way around in a mountain of shit, desperate to just be able to see clearly again. And the worst part about all of it? It's only the ones  _watching_  those lovestruck idiots rolling around covered in shit that can see and smell it from a mile away. The ones in love? They think it's all roses and unicorns and breakfast in bed and Saturday morning cuddles. They don't realize just how desperate they are to get away from it, too busy thinking that everything they're doing is because they're so  _happy_.

That's what I thought it was. I'd spent so much time loving him that I hadn't been able to smell the shit piling up and sticking to me until it was too late. I'd thought he was a different man, that he'd changed for the better. And maybe it was stupid of me to think that. Maybe I was just a naive idiot, just like the rest of them, but being with Cobra had hurt so much more than I'd thought possible.

I'd wanted to believe that he was normal, that the likenesses in our childhood had given us some sort of connection and it had made us closer than everyone else could ever hope to be. He'd been raised with no one to love him. I'd spent years searching for the love I knew my father was capable of, hoping it would come back. He had nightmares about his past; I had nightmares about things that happened in the last couple years.

Cobra understood pain that etched itself into the soul just as well as I did. Probably better since his magic forced him to hear it.

And maybe that was the problem. I just had too much of it in my soul. It wasn't the happy bubblegum bullshit that he'd thought it would be just by looking at me.

"Luce, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," I sighed, wrapping my sleeping bag more tightly around my shoulders. Even with the fire doused for the night, it was still barely glowing. Just enough that I could tell he was looking at me.

"C'mon," Natsu whispered, "We're friends. You can tell me when you're upset, y'know."

Oh, I knew that I could talk to him. But the thing was, I'd done enough of that for the past six months. I'd talked and cried, and cried and talked. Mira and Erza and Levy all knew the worst of it. I'd had so many long nights with them it wasn't even funny, just venting and ranting and questioning what the hell was wrong with me that Cobra would up and leave.

But I'd started to notice something, the longer my talking went on. They didn't care as much as they'd pretended to. Maybe it was because I'd spent the better part of a year crying over the Poison Slayer to them, and maybe they'd just gotten tired of listening to the same things about him.

No one wanted to hear that I'd fallen in love with the wrong man. They didn't care that I was still heartbroken months later. Erza had made a point of telling me that she never knew just what I'd seen in Cobra to begin with, aside from his looks. I hadn't wanted to tell her before, when we were still together, that I saw his heart. That he loved just as deeply, cared just as much. He was an asshole, but that was his defense mechanism, and I really didn't blame him for it after the life he'd had.

Even after this long, I was still making excuses for him.

"It's not important," I said.

Natsu shifted closer, and it wasn't until his arm wrapped around my shoulders that I realized just how long it had been since he'd tried to hug me. I'd been the one to put that distance between us before, when Cobra and I had been together, because I wanted to respect my relationship with him and not have him smelling Natsu all over me when he came to visit. He'd definitely noticed the general lack of Fire Slayer in my apartment, and while I'd thought it would make him happy - because he and Natsu really didn't get along all that often - it had the opposite effect.

Cobra had called me immature. He'd told me,  _"I'm not your fucking keeper, and I don't fucking own you, so don't go ditching your friends for me. I wouldn't ditch my friends for you, even if you asked."_  It had hurt at the time, so damn much that I'd been left in tears after he walked into the bathroom for a shower. And by the time he came out wearing only a towel, I hadn't stopped crying. It was silent, but I know he heard me doing it even before leaving the steam-filled bathroom.

I'd been so stupid, thinking that his arms wrapping around me meant he wasn't mad anymore. I'd thought he understood that I just wanted to make things easier, that I was trying to be considerate to what  _he_ wanted.

"Luce, it's important," Natsu said. He pulled me closer, until I was curled up against his side and his nose rested in my hair. "You're hurt."

"I'm not."

"You might not be bleeding," he said, "But that doesn't mean you aren't in pain. Why won't you talk to me anymore?"

How was I supposed to tell Natsu the truth? How could I just turn and look at him and say that I was a total fucking moron and he'd been right the year before? Natsu was the first one to figure out Cobra and I were seeing each other in secret, and he'd been happy for me. For both of us.

I still remember the way he'd smiled that same Natsu-smile and hugged me like hell. How he'd said,  _"You just remember, if he ever breaks your heart, I'll always be there for you."_  I'd thought he was just being silly, that it wasn't like Cobra really would break my heart. But he'd been right. That bastard  _had_  and Natsu was still here. Still by my side. Sure, we'd had a rough patch here and there, but I'd eventually forgiven him for leaving after the war with Tartaros. Only after I'd gotten a real apology from him. It took some time, but Natsu and I had gotten our old friendship back. And he was more mature - thank fucking god for small miracles - than he'd been before.

"I talk to you all the time," I said. We spent all of our time together. He was the best friend I'd ever had. God, and I'd been willing to throw  _this_  away for Cobra. I'd tried so hard to push Natsu out of my life because I'd, what? I'd wanted some fucking  _man_  to be happier? What about my happiness?

"Not about the important stuff," he replied. "Not about why Cobra doesn't come around the guild now."

Just hearing his name made me want to cry. I could think about him, say his name in my head all day and night, but as soon as someone else mentioned him, my eyes burned and my lips trembled.

"Luce, I'm really worried about you," he said. "You don't seem like yourself anymore."

Taking this time away with Natsu was a mistake. We weren't even on a job. There was no mission that I could distract myself with. He'd invited me to some lake across the damn country all so he could go fishing. Except Happy wasn't with us, like he normally would have been. It was just the two of us, alone in the woods, still a few days from our destination. But maybe that's what he'd wanted. Maybe Natsu had grown up more than I gave him credit for, and he'd set this up so he could try and talk to me with no interruptions.

"What's to worry about?" I asked. "I'm still me. Just the same ol' Lucy."

"You're not, though." Finally, I looked up at him. I couldn't really see him that well, just a bare silhouette of my best friend lying next to me from the moonlight slipping through the trees above us. "You don't smile as much now, and your apartment always smells like you've been crying."

I hated his stupid Slayer sense of smell. Cobra had been the same way, always picking up on scents and letting me know just what he'd figured out - like when he'd said we couldn't have sex even though we used condoms, because I was ovulating and he didn't want to chance getting me pregnant. Granted, I'd appreciated the thought - I didn't want to have kids just yet either - but knowing that he could smell something so personal was weird.

"If this is about Cobra, then tell me what he did to upset you and I'll go kick his ass," Natsu said. His smile was gone. The warmth of his body intensified just enough for me to feel it through my sleeping bag.

"He didn't do anything."

That was a lie, sort of. He'd left me, so technically he'd done  _something_  to upset me. Except, the way he explained it, our relationship ending was my fault.

" _Look, it's not my fucking job to fix you, Lucy. And I'm not looking to tie myself down with someone who can't learn to stand on her own two goddamn feet once in awhile. You're always thinking about ME, and never about yourself. And when you do think about yourself, you push that shit to the side. It's not fucking healthy, and I don't want any part of it... Don't cry, Lucy. Look, I still love you. I know it's probably not exactly what you wanna hear, but I do love you. That's why I have to do this, though. If we stay together, all that's gonna happen is you slowly changing to fit what I want. I don't want you to lose yourself in me. I'm fucked up enough as it is, and the last thing I can handle is having you there, dragging you down with me… No, I've been thinking about this for a bit… Please, don't cry. I know it hurts now, but one day it'll stop hurting and you'll forget all about some piece of shit like me, okay? So, no matter what anyone tells you, just let it hurt… I'm serious, it'll be good for your soul. Lucy, just let it hurt for as long as you need… I swear, I never meant to hurt you like this."_

It was the most he'd ever said at one time while not yelling at someone. He'd been so damn nice to me. He said he was doing it for my own good. At least he hadn't given me any ultimatums. There was no  _It's not you, it's me_  or  _this just isn't working anymore_  or anything like that. Even while ripping my heart out, Cobra had been straightforward. At least he'd had the decency to make it a clean break.

Even though I'd desperately tried to throw myself at him, to kiss him and beg him to take me back, he'd held firm. Cobra had pushed me away at arm's length and said,  _"I know you have more self-respect than to act like all you're good for is your cunt. I don't do break-up sex, either. We're done."_  And then he'd walked out.

"Then what is it?" Natsu asked. "I miss who you were before…"

"Who I was?" I looked down when he nodded and carefully reached into my sleeping bag to grasp my hands. Even then, I felt frozen. Bitter. No matter how warm he was, it just seemed like nothing could bring back the happiness I'd had with Cobra.

"My happy, smiling partner. The one who used to kick me out of her bed at night only to let me crawl under the covers anyway." I watched as our fingers coiled around one another. "I want the Lucy who complained about me breaking in, but still smiled and let me have breakfast with her. You used to keep fish for Happy in the freezer, and hot sauce for me in the pantry. You used to yell at us for being reckless and silly and not getting the reward on our jobs."

"So, you want your doormat back," I scowled.

"No," he said. His grip tightened slightly around my fingers, drawing my attention up to his face once again. "I never did those things because I thought I could walk all over you."

"I told you to stop all the time."

"I could tell you didn't want me to," Natsu said. I knew he could see my lips pursing with anger. "I slept in your bed because I didn't want to be alone at night, Luce. I wanted to know that you were safe, and the only way for me to know for sure was to sleep by you. You know Lisanna was my friend before, and when I lost her… It was just like losing Igneel all over again. I know I never said it, but for the longest time I was scared I'd lose you too."

"But…"

"The times I didn't sleep in your bed, was because I  _do_  know what boundaries are," he continued. "I know it doesn't seem like it, but did you never notice that I stayed away from your apartment when you were on your period? Mira taught me that it's pretty personal, and I didn't want you to think that I didn't respect your privacy."

"But you…"

"I love having breakfast with you, Luce," he whispered. "You know I can't cook all that good. We both know I'm kind of a slob-"

"That's an understatement."

He chuckled and our foreheads rested together. "But just having a meal with you makes me happy. A nice home-cooked meal. Food at the guild is good, but when you cook for me… I can taste the difference. You care about what you feed me. It tastes better than anything Mira's ever cooked."

My cheeks were on fire and though I fought to look away, I just couldn't.

"You kept me in line, Luce," he said. "I know I should probably listen more, and I should try to do a better job of being part of the team instead of just running in and fighting everyone myself. But, y'know, every time you yelled, it sunk in a little more. I'm not the smartest guy out there… Sometimes it takes a bit for me to learn my lesson… But you tried to help me see what I was doing wrong before, and now you just… You don't do any of those things."

"... Natsu…"

"I just wanna know why," he said. "Why aren't you being yourself anymore? I mean, if you're depressed or something, you can tell me. I don't think I can fix it, but maybe you can help me understand it better?"

"I'm not depressed." At least, I didn't  _think_  I was depressed. Did my heart being shattered into millions of pieces count as being depressed?

"Or if I did something wrong-"

"You didn't do anything wrong." No, Natsu really was in the clear this time around.

"Then what is it? What happened that made you-"

"Cobra broke up with me."

Natsu went silent and so painfully still that I didn't know what to do about it. He stopped breathing entirely for a solid minute before I heard him speak. And if I hadn't been so close, I doubt I'd have heard a thing. "... What?"

"H-He broke up with me," I said, clearing my throat to try and keep it from cracking. "Six months ago." It hurt, seeing the pain shining so clearly in his eyes as he gazed down at me. This was why I hadn't told Natsu about it. I knew it would hurt him, just knowing that I wasn't happy anymore, that I was actually pretty much miserable every day that I woke up and remembered that Cobra was no longer a part of my life.

"He… But, Cobra loves you," he said. "I don't understand…"

I shook my head and held on tighter when I felt his fingers slipping away. "I-I don't either," I sniffled. "N-Natsu, I'm sorry."

"What? Why?"

"I-I was stupid. I'm s-sorry I… I wasn't…" His hands finally left mine as the first of my tears broke past my lashes. I didn't want him to let go, though. Thankfully, he did something that was just so fucking  _Natsu_  that it only made me cry harder. He left his bedroll and unzipped my sleeping bag, then crawled in and zipped it right back up.

Our bodies were pressed together, my legs tangled with his, but it was how it felt to have his arms wrapping around me and pulling me even closer that had a broken sob filling the air between us.

"Luce," he whispered, his lips brushing across my forehead, "I wish you'd told me."

"I-I'm sorry…"

"Don't apologize," he chuckled. "Just come here." He held me even tighter, and before I could think it through, my arms wrapped around him as well. "I told you before. I'll always be here for you. So you just let it all out and it'll be okay. I promise."

I nodded against him, letting myself cry until the tears just wouldn't come anymore. I hadn't realized just how much I'd held back while talking with the girls until I'd tried explaining things to Natsu and all that came out was unintelligible sobs. He didn't seem to mind, though. I wanted him to know what had happened, what Cobra had said at the end. I wanted someone to understand that this really was my fault. And maybe Natsu would have tried to convince me that it was just as much Cobra's fault as it was mine, but that didn't matter. It's not like he could really understand what I was saying to begin with.

All that mattered was that I was finally just letting it out, letting my best friend know what had been gnawing at me for months. And eventually, I fell asleep with his warmth surrounding me and his fingers sifting through my hair, just like Cobra used to do when we slept.

* * *

Natsu frowned at the scent drifting through the air an hour after Lucy fell asleep, and his head turned just enough to see the shadowy figure walking closer to their camp. When he saw that single indigo eye staring down at her, it took everything in him not to clamber out of the sleeping bag and attack the bastard.

"Salamander."

"What the hell are you doing here?" Natsu hissed.

"Keeping an eye on her," Cobra said.

"Why? Luce told me-"

"I know what she told you. And it's the truth. I can't be with her, Natsu. I love her too much to hurt her anymore."

"What the hell does that have to do with anything?" Lucy shifted against him only slightly, her slow exhale brushing across his bare chest. "You swore to me, Cobra. You  _swore_  you wouldn't break her heart. When you came and told me that you wanted to start seeing Luce, you told me you'd protect her." He'd been more than surprised that the Poison Slayer had thought to mention it to him in the first place before pursuing Lucy, but Natsu had appreciated the thought behind it - that Cobra knew just how important she was, and he wanted Natsu to know that he was trying to be a good guy about it all.

"I was wrong," Cobra replied. His gaze never left the blonde, never left the tear tracks on her red, blotchy cheeks. "I was too fucking stupid to see that all I could do was hurt her."

"And why's that?"

"Because she's too fucked up from before. She needs someone to validate her, and that's… no matter how much I fucking love her, I can't do that."

"Validate her?" Natsu frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, Lucy's always going to need to know that she's loved. That whoever's with her is in it for the long haul. She  _needs_  romance, Natsu. And I fucking tried, but all she ever did was… She only tried to make me happy."

"You're not making any damn sense," Natsu sneered. "She's supposed to make you happy!"

"Not to her own fucking detriment," Cobra shot back. "She's not supposed to drop everyone in her life to make things easier for me. Not her friends, not  _you_ …" He shook his head and his fists clenched at his sides before he reached into his jacket and pulled out a small key. He made his way over to Natsu's bag and tucked it inside, then looked back at Lucy.

"What was that?"

"I still had her house key," he whispered. "I… Natsu, promise me you'll always be there for her, okay?"

"Cobra, you're being a moron."

"I'm not. I love her, but we just weren't good for each other. I can't fix her."

"There's nothing  _wrong_  with her," Natsu scowled.

"Look, I'm not gonna argue about this shit with you, okay? Just… No matter how much she hates it now, I just want her to see that I did this for her. She can't be happy with me. We'll never have a life like the one she dreamt about every night. I  _want_  her to have that… A house, a family… I want her to wake up every single day and feel loved, to  _know_  that the man she's with really loves her… That she's… she's the most important person in the world to him."

"But she's all those things to you."

"Shut up," Cobra huffed, turning and blinking back the tears he knew Natsu could smell. "You love her just as much. Don't think I haven't heard it. You've loved Lucy a whole lot longer than I have, and… Just… Swear to me you'll be a better man than I was, okay? Don't break her heart like I did."

"Luce doesn't see me that way."

"She might… After she's over me, maybe she'll realize you were right fucking there all along."

"I don't care if she doesn't," Natsu whispered. His eye narrowed slightly when a sad, humorless laugh escaped the Poison Slayer.

"That puts you fucking leagues ahead of me, then," Cobra said. "Take care of her, Natsu. I'll stop following her, now… Now that I know you're watching out for her." He turned and walked away from the small camp, just as silently as he'd arrived, leaving the love of his life wrapped in her best friend's arms, just like he should have from the very beginning.

Even if Lucy hated him for the rest of her life, even if she never forgave him for leaving, at least Cobra knew that she was safe. With Natsu around, she would always be safe. And he knew, even though it hurt, that one day Lucy  _would_  end up with the Fire Dragon Slayer. She'd have the love she deserved in arms around her every single morning, in soft kisses to her temple and just behind her ears - just the way she liked - and that one day she'd be a beautiful mother to a whole battalion of rowdy little fucking Dragneel hellions.

The thought had him smiling just a little, even as he walked away from her for the last time and forced his feet to keep moving toward Crime Sorciere's camp only a mile away. He would see her again someday, and all Cobra could hope was that she'd found a way to move on, to find her own happiness.

_**.The End.** _

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally supposed to be a Natsu/Lucy piece, but it turned into more of a Cobra/Lucy thing with Natsu having secret feelings for her. I may return to it eventually and actually _try_ to write some actual, romantic Natsu/Lucy. Maybe.


End file.
